While generally now attributed to Mary Frye, the hugely popular bereavement poem 'Do not Stand at My Grave and Weep' has uncertain history and origins. Debate surrounds the definitive and original wording of this remarkable verse, and for some people the authorship is unresolved too. The best evidence and research (summarised below) indicates that Mary Frye is the author of the earliest version, and that she wrote it in 1932. However, many different variations of the poem can now be found, and many different claims of authorship have been made, and continue to be made.
For example, a claim has been made (to me and others in March 2007) by Karin Aleida Schmidt-Vorrink that she is the true author of the 'Do not Stand at My Grave and Weep' verse. Ms Schmidt-Vorrink has my great sympathy if she is the true author, however, given the evidence supporting the attribution to Mary Frye, it will be difficult for anyone to successfully claim authorship for the work without first disproving the research which attributes the poem to Mary Frye. You can read and examine Ms Schmidt-Vorrink's claims to the authorship of Do not Stand at My Grave and Weep at Karin Aleida Schmidt-Vorrink's presence on the Businessballs free publishing Space.
Other people continue to write to me with information or claims about the poem, which in due course I will summarise and publish. I am keen to receive any information and recollections about the poem's existence, particularly 1960s or earlier. If you have any, especially with written or printed evidence (newspaper cuttings, poetry books, etc), please get in touch.
I am also keen to hear from anyone who has corroborated or investigated the research of Abigail Van Buren (aka Jeanne Phillips), the 'Dear Abby' newspaper columnist, or that of Kelly Ryan for Canada's CBC Radio, which was crucial in recognizing the Mary Frye attribution. Here is the CBC Radio archive page on the subject.
The many variations and disputed origins have occurred mainly because the poem was never formally published or copyrighted. The poem's interpretation, reproduction, distribution and popularity were therefore able to grow organically, outside of usual publisher controls. 'Do not Stand at My Grave and Weep' evolved more like folklore or legend - passed from person to person - initially on scraps of paper, hand-written notes, and photocopies - and more recently the poem has spread far and wide by the ease and viral nature of internet publishing.
If clear different and reliable evidence of origin other than Mary Frye's claim were to be produced then I will gladly publish the evidence to clarify the matter. Meanwhile the best available evidence suggests that Mary Frye wrote the 'original' or earliest version of Do not Stand at My Grave and Weep', from which the many variations subsequently evolved, and this page reflects that situation.
In an effort to further clarify the origins of the 'Do not Stand at My Grave and Weep' poem I am keen to find the earliest evidence of the poem's existence - particularly if any exists before 1975 - and I ask anyone who can help with this please to contact me.
So, please contact me with your earliest recollection or evidence of the poem Do not Stand at My Grave and Weep.
The following is based on the Mary Frye claim and the research which seems to have substantiated it.
This information is based on the generally accepted evidence indicating Mary Frye to be the author of Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep. While aspects of the Mary Frye claims and research are not wholly convincing, without evidence to the contrary the Frye attribution is the best there is. If I am presented with different more reliable evidence then I will be happy to publish it.
Originally the verse had no title, so the poem's first line, 'Do not Stand at My Grave and Weep' naturally became the title by which the poem came to be known. The poem can be found with different titles however, notably 'I Am', reflecting the repetition of that phrase in the verse. The variations which occur in the poem reflect the organic way that the poem spread.
Crucial in establishing and publicizing the Mary Frye attribution were the research, interviews and radio broadcast by Ms Kelly Ryan, on the Canadian CBC Radio show, Ideas; the edition called A Poetic Jouney, broadcast on 10 May 2000.
Mary Elizabeth Frye (1905-2004) was a housewife from Baltimore USA. When a friend's mother died this apparently prompted Mary Frye to compose the verse, which in various forms has for decades now touched and comforted many thousands of people, especially at times of loss and bereavement.
According to the Kelly Ryan interview Mary's friend was a German Jewish woman (some reports say young girl) called Margaret Schwarzkopf. Mary Frye said that Margaret was her closest friend and felt unable to visit her dying mother in Germany due to the anti-Semitic feeling at home. This led to Margaret Schwarzkopf's tearful comment to Mary Frye, after a shopping trip, to say that she had been denied the chance to "... stand at my mother's grave and say goodbye". This prompt caused Mary Frye to write the verse there and then on a piece of paper torn from a brown paper shopping bag, on her kitchen table, while her distressed friend was upstairs. Mary Frye said the poem simply 'came to her'.
It's fascinating that the poem came into such widespread use, and this is was helped because it was not subject to the usual restrictions of copyright publishing controls.
It seems, although information is a little hazy about this, that at some time after Margaret Schwarzkopf's mother's death, friends of the Schwarzkopf family enabled or arranged for a postcard or similar card to be printed featuring the poem, and this, with the tendency for the verse to be passed from person to person, created a 'virtual publishing' effect far greater than traditional printed publishing would normally achieve.
This is Kelly Ryan's interpretation of how the poem began to spread, based on her research and interview of Mary Frye:
"The poem's journey began at that kitchen table in Baltimore. Margaret took it to work with her, and gave it to friends there. One had a relative who worked in the Federal Printing Press in Washington. Copies were 'done up' and given away..."
Because of the way the poem in its various versions spread without formal copyright, attribution or controlled publishing, the basic Do not Stand at My Grave and Weep verse has for many years been firmly in the public domain. For many years (and presently still among many people) the poem's origin was generally unknown, being variously attributed to native American Indians (especially Navajo), traditional folklore, and other particular claimant writers. The poem has appeared, and continues to, in slightly different versions, and there are examples also of modern authors adding and interweaving their own new lines and verses within Frye's work, which adds to confusion about the poem's definitive versions and origins.
Several different musical and song interpretations of Do not Stand at My Grave and Weep have been written and published, with different titles, often with variations to the original words.
A notable song version is the beautiful 'Prayer', by the remarkable New York singer song-writer Lizzie West, which you will find on her CD album 'Holy Road: Freedom Songs'.
Another notable recent musical interpretation of Do not Stand at my Grave and Weep is by the Irish female singer songwriter Shaz Oye (pronounced 'Oh Yay'), subtitled 'Requiem', and available as a free download from Shaz Oye's website.
Katherine Jenkins also recorded a song version of the poem on her 2005 album, Living A Dream.
I am informed (thanks M Straw, R Anderson and A Chittenden) of a Japanese version of the poem which has also been set to music and perfomed as a song, which became a big selling single in Japan in 2006-07, sung by Masafumi Akikawa (also known as Masashi Akiyama and other combinations of the two names seemingly), music composed by Man Shirai. The Japanese version of the poem and song is generally to be called A Thousand Winds, or more fully in Japanese 'Sen No Kaze Ni Natte', meaning 'I Have Become a Thousand Winds'.
The Kelly Ryan interview features a choral piece called In Rememberance, from a requiem composed by Eleanor Daley; a chanted song called Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep by Kathy Martin, and Stephen Raskin's Eulogy for the Masess, all of which were inspired by and which use the words from the Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep poem. The Kathy Martin and Stephen Raskin spellings are not guaranteed correct. If you know better please tell me. Researching most things surrounding this poem is curiously difficult.
Composer Geoff Stephens' song version of the poem is significant for additional reasons, of which more below.
The Mary Frye claim to Do not Stand at My Grave and Weep seems first to have been publicly pronounced when the poem was was attributed to Mary Frye in 1998 following research by Abigail Van Buren, aka Jeanne Phillips, a widely syndicated American newspaper columnist, whose 'Dear Abby' column apparently communicated directly with Mary Frye concerning original authorship of the poem.
The research findings of Van Buren and her assistants are featured strongly in Kelly Ryan's CBC Radio show 'Poetic Journey' presented by Ms Ryan on 10 May 2000. Here is the CBC Radio archive page on the subject. In the broadcast, Abigail van Buren's daughter Jeanie (or perhaps Jeanne) reads a copy of the letter sent by 'Dear Abby' to Mary Frye agreeing that Mary is the author of the poem, but also adding, strangely, that the letter is not dated. The wording of the letter is strange too. Make of it what you will.
I have listened to a recording of the CBC Radio show and it presents a strong but certainly not bullet-proof argument for the Mary Frye attribution. Kelly Ryan says in the broadcast that she searched for a year to locate the author, prompted by a documentary about the Swissair flight 111 (one-eleven) plane crash. Ms Ryan seems to have great personal interest in the poem and its origins, and seems convinced that Mary Frye is the author. In addition to Mary's own testimony and the Dear Abby confirmation (such as it is), Ms Ryan places much reliance on her interview with British 'retired journalist' Peter Ackroyd (or Ayckroyd - it is pronounced both ways in the broadcast), and his earlier research of the poem. In the broadcast however there is considerable vagueness in the trail that led Peter Ackroyd to locate and identify Mary Frye as the poem's author, not least the the role of the Baltimore local newspaper in confirming Mary Frye to be the author - described as if the newspaper had always known, like, 'what's all the fuss about - doesn't everyone know?...' This is again rather strange. The trail is even less clear when it comes to finding Peter Ackroyd's book about his search for the author, which is mentioned in the broadcast, but seems impossible to locate. Perhaps it was never published: Ms Ryan says "Peter has now written book about his search for the author..." but this does not mean necessarily that it was ever published. The identity of this particular Peter Ackroyd (or Ayckroyd) is not clear either. I received confirmation (from his agent, Jan 2008) that it is not the well-known author and biographer of the same name. If you happen to know the Peter Ackroyd (Ayckroyd?) who featured in the CBC Radio show please contact me.
The eminent and very successful pop songwriter Geoff Stephens has written a very interesting review of Ms Kelly's findings and broadcast, since becoming captivated by the poem and producing his own song version, re-titled To All My Loved Ones. Here is Geoff Stephens' analysis of the origins of Do not Stand at My Grave and Weep, written in October 2002, and Geoff Stephens' website dedicated to the project. The same website is also cunningly available via the web address www.donotstandatmygrave.com.
I emphasise again that this is the best evidence that exists for the origins of the Do not Stand at My Grave and Weep poem. Some people dispute these origins, and also the rigour of the research which established them. However until and unless better different evidence appears, the Mary Frye claim is the strongest.
According Kelly Ryan's research, implicitly confirmed through Ms Ryan's interview of Mary Frye, this is the version of Frye's poem which featured on the card printed after Mary gave the poem to Margaret Schwarzkopf. The poem was untitled:
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not
sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on
snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When
you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet
birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do
not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
This alternative 'modern definitive version', with slight variation in lines 9 and 10, was featured in Mary Frye's obituary in the British Times newspaper in September 2004, although no source was given:
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not
sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on
snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When
you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet
birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not
stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
In her interview with Kelly Ryan broadcast on CBC Radio in 2000, Mary Frye confirmed the following interpretation as her original version. The version is quite different to the versions above. Note especially the extra lines (11-14), and the present tense 'do' in the final line.
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I
am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am
in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in
circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers
that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am
in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not
there. I do not die.
From a research perspective this is all rather confusing, but in terms of spiritual and human reaction it's all very powerful and compelling, whatever way you look at it.
Since there is no clear 'definitive version', (and even if there were), it's a matter of personal choice as to which one to use, and the choice gets broader with every new poetic adaptation, and every new musical version.
So it is likely that the mystery - as well as the magical appeal - of the verse will continue. Probably the mystery has contributed to the poem's appeal. It is likely also that the poem will forever touch people, in the way that people are touched and inspired by Max Ehrmann's 'Desiderata', and by Rudyard Kipling's 'If'.
'Do not Stand at My Grave and Weep' and its timeless appeal provide a wonderful illustration of the power of language, and the power of ideas and concepts to spread far and wide, quite organically. Beautiful words transcend all else; they inspire, console and strengthen the human spirit, quite regardless of who wrote them.
Given the popularity and poignant nature of Do Not Stand at my Grave and Weep, increasing numbers of people have an interest in using the words for songwriting and/or performance, or for some other usage which in the case of other copyright-protected works would usually warrant permission or licence from the author or rights holder.
In the case of Do Not Stand at my Grave and Weep however such permission is arguably unnecessary, and is actually impossible to obtain, since ownership is not absolutely proven.
For what it's worth, if you are wondering about copyright, usage, permission, attribution, my view is that the 'original' version(s) of the poem (attributed to Mary Frye) are not subject to copyright restriction, because these versions are regarded now to be in the public domain; moreover no author has to date successfully established any copyright control over the 'original' versions of the work and is now probably never likely to do so.
The best available information - and therefore the default attribution statement for most people, until and unless better evidence is found - is that the ('original' Mary Frye) words of Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep are 'attributed to Mary E Frye, 1932'.
There are several musical versions already published - some via large reputable publishers. Useful clues and guidance as to appropriate attribution might be found by looking at how other publishers have attributed the work in their track-listings and publishing notes.
Be aware that many people have added new words to the 'original' Frye version(s) of the poem, which will in some cases be subject to copyright and potential liability if used without permission or licence. It is possible even that certain people have written extensions or adaptations of the 'original' public domain work chiefly or partly with such a motive (of deriving gain from others' use of the new part of the work), so caution is recommended in using any material, especially significantly and commercially, which falls outside of what could be deemed public domain content.
N.B. I am not referring here to single readings at funerals or related use, which has occured widely and completely lawfully for many years, with or without attribution. I refer to copyright and attribution implications for commercial publishing, in which regard you must make your own decisions, ideally after doing your own research and if necessary seeking your own local qualified advice. These notes are for guidance only and carry no acceptance of any liability whatsoever.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross - Five Stages of Grief
And other inspirational ideas and resources on the main businessballs website if you are not already there.
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© Alan Chapman 2005-08, aside from the original poetry which is generally attributed to Mary Frye, 1932.