Blog entry by Alan Chapman

by Alan Chapman - Wednesday, 30 June 2021, 10:50 AM
Anyone in the world


Sleeping


I should have killed myself as a child.

(Please note, my writing is as ever a lot of self-indulgent nonsense :)

Remember you are golden.

You are part of a beautiful new human planet emerging now.

Sleeping is rather like dying, because we have no conscious sense of being alive.

Sleeping - much like being dead - is my favourite state of being.

When I'm sleeping I escape the horrors of being alive.

And that explains why personally, unlike most people, I go to sleep every night hoping that I will never wake. In other words, I go to sleep every night hoping to die in my sleep.

When I'm sleeping, I'm free from the murderous loathing of nearly all of myself, and the hopelessness for my own self in this beautifully evolving human planet.

I feel this and think about it most of the time, unless I'm deeply distracted.

I've been like this for over six years, and so I'm used to it, although obviously it's not a very happy state to be in, not least because I can't discuss it with anyone.

The more I heal and process, the more I despise who I was, and who I am; that I was the vehicle for such a nasty nasty person.


Nihilism and the continuously suicidal mind


From all I have read, and from all that I understand, these closely related attitudes are basically the same thing.

Nihilism  - IMHO and in simple language - is a philosophical interpretation of life that finds a sort of peace in accepting that nothing matters, not even love. That there is no point, hope, purpose in anything; no meaning in anything, and in the context of life and existence of anything, essentially we might as well be dead rather than alive, because being alive with our thoughts and feelings and beliefs is so painful and horrific, hopeless and pointless. 

Life is beautiful, and yet also hell on Earth.

I believe that feeling suicidal, and accepting this as a constant condition, is a transcendent state, that some of us reach when:

  • we truly understand ourselves,
  • when we have lived through the natural life-stages of having had children and grandchildren,
  • having lost or said goodbye to most or all of our friends,
  • having survived near-death experience(s) or suicide attempt(s),
  • and having let go or lost basically everything that we acquired and thought important in our younger lives,
  • and have no realistic hope of personal recovery.

In short, there is nothing to live for.

I take each beautiful moment as it comes, but I no longer want to be here.

I'm grateful for this growth. This preparedness for dying. This letting go of everything that was me and mine. This letting go of ego. This detachment. This preparedness to live wild on what I can forage or gather from bins. This being nothing and no one.

And this is intensified by an ever deepening awareness of the murderous and enslaving nature of the human systems and leaderships, that humans have supported and permitted - over hundreds and thousands of years - to distort and control almost every aspect of how we each behave, think, feel, live and die.

I am very definitely among the millions who've helped create this nasty planet of enslavement, ugliness, torture and killings. So that a few of us might have more than we need.


What is true and good?


Personally I believe nothing.

And I believe in nothing.

Not any more.

My faith in good and love, for now and perhaps ever, is gone.

I believe most people are well-intentioned, and most people have love and compassion in their hearts, but:

I also believe that ultimately everyone has his or her own ways of seeing themselves and the world, and that most people rightly are looking after themselves and their loved ones.

This is not me because I am unlovable and incapable of love.

I have no 'loved ones' that need my help, and I am unable to help anyone anyway really.

Anyone who likes me or thinks me helpful is wrong.

I make myself available to help, especially people in grief, and/or suicidal, but actually I believe that my help is unhelpful, because people grow better when they find their own way, rather than by interventions of any sort.

We learn by our own personal experience, practices, and especially mistakes, not from the help or the interventions of others.

Perhaps for some people, receiving simply a little encouragement - "You're amazing/brilliant/wonderful," - can be helpful.

I try to give (and I'm in the long-standing habit of giving) this sort of encouragement whenever I can, but really now I think, what's the point, because the people concerned will find their own way perfectly well without my stupid interference. 

I hope and suspect that a miraculously loving good humanity will emerge one day very soon, and often when I'm engaging with others I say this will happen, but I do not believe that I personally will be helped, or that my life positively affected by whatever emerges that's good.

All I see for myself is death and increasingly preparing for it.

I should have killed myself as a child. The world would have been much better without me in it.

My children would have been born to a much better father.

And those who know me and who have come into contact with me and my work would all be much happier and more lovely than they already are.

I am probably a version of the devil, and living with this belief is not easy.


Rebirth is challenging


Each of us, to varying degrees, seems comprised of many different personalities or 'ego states'.

We are each made of the potential to be, depending on situations:

  • compassionate, loving, forgiving, cooperative, kind, careful, well-meaning;
  • and yet also selfish, defensive, aggressive, spiteful, inconsiderate;
  • and also greedy, hopeful, hopeless, optimistic, pessimistic,
  • giving, generous, suspicious, vulnerable,
  • trusting, hesitatant, spontaneous,
  • extraverted and introverted,
  • fearful and fearless,
  • etc., etc.

It all depends on situations.

Attempts to understand and measure all this are as complex as the universe(s) or whatever makes consciousness and 'reality', whatever these things actually are.

Ultimately  - it seems - we are, and everything is, simply energy.

And also we become constrained very quickly by the limitations of language and science in trying to explain the inexplicable.


Yes - I should have killed myself as a child


This is becoming a mantra. I like it :)

Don't try it at home, or anywhere.

It's for me not you.

You are golden and beautiful.

I am the evil nasty one.

I should have killed myself as a child.

The world would have been much better without me in it.

My children would have been born to a much better father.

And those who know me and who have come into contact with me and my work would all be much happier and more lovely than they already are.


Crow, come take me


Crow, come take me,

Any time you like,

Come take me in my sleep,

Take me any time, any how,

Crow come take me if you dare.




I was a leaf in the wind.

I was in hell.

In the fire.

Now I am the wind,

The fire.

And now,

I am hell.



Please note, my writing is as ever a lot of self-indulgent nonsense :)

It makes me feel better.

Remember you are golden.

You are part of a beautiful new human planet emerging now.




[ Modified: Wednesday, 30 June 2021, 11:33 AM ]