Blog entry by Alan Chapman

by Alan Chapman - Wednesday, 30 June 2021, 2:35 PM
Anyone in the world


I should have killed myself as a child


This short sentence - "I should have killed myself as a child" - emerged for me late last night in my ongoing  healing, processing, and deepening learning of how wealth and power operate globally - and seems to me to be an extremely powerful line - and theme - for my writing and survival, and also for explaining suicide and transcendence, especially for others who have experienced, or are experiencing, suicidal disintegration.

I want to explain it - "I should have killed myself as a child" - and make more of it.

Perhaps it will become a song.

Songs enable ambiguity and comedy to improve accessibility for different audiences, in ways that are comfortable and meaningful, depending on personality and life situation.

Songs are part of arts.

Arts are how we understand and convey ideas that cannot be explained well in words alone, especially not in dry technical educational language.

The arts, especially art forms such as dance, built environmental architecture, and gardens, can involve and 'reach' people at an unconscious and subliminal level so that we are moved in huge ways, often without our realising.

Art is much more powerful for conveying subjects and meanings than words alone, although poetry and fictional prose, or 'creative non-fiction', and other sorts of story-telling, are also very powerful in conveying subjects that are very deep.

The brilliant Graham Williams, featured in elsewhere in this blog section, is an example of an extraordinarily effective conveyor of truths and ancient wisdoms, via his beautiful writings and story-telling.

Note that many stories and songs are full of darkness, death and suicidal or sacrificial references, and yet they become anthems or timeless nursery rhymes and bedtime tales, and ways to give hope, comfort and power to millions, even billions of people.

Consider the hymn and anthem 'Jerusalem', and other profound and popular songs such as:

'Swing Low, Sweet Chariot'
'The House of the Rising Sun'
'Strange Fruit'
'Ode to Billy Joe'
'Mack the Knife'

Other examples exist in other cultures and languages.

I am not saying that I endorse any of these songs; I am offering them as examples of songs containing deathly or suicidal messages within an inspirational powerful musical creative work.

I'm illustrating the point that:

Death, killing, suicide and sacrifice, blended with love, hope, peace and beauty, are commonly found in all sorts of creative works, in current times, and for hundreds and thousands of years.


Cybernetics - different messages for different audiences


Of course we must be careful about audiences for ideas.

"I should have killed myself as a child," as a stand-alone sentence, is certainly not intended for audiences of children and teenagers, nor for adults who are precarious emotionally.

Anything taken out of context can be wholly misunderstood.

The 'Holy Bible', other foundational religious works, hymns, traditional folk and gospel songs, and popular literature and poetry, all contain examples of extremely dark and deathly phrases, that if taken out of context could be profoundly distressing and disturbing for many people.

And so, what is the context and my explanation of "I should have killed myself as a child" ?....


I should have killed myself as a child


The context for this is:

  • how our mind (thoughts and sensed proceessed feelings)
  • influences how we feel and think about ourselves and
  • how we feel about everything externally too,
  • and that this is all a circular or looping inter-dependent effect,
  • (which can be understood as a 'feedback loop',
  • of causes and effects.
Also that this feedback loop can be negative,
like a spiral towards suicide,
or can be reversed into a cycle of recovery.

Read my blog post about 'The Switch', which I describe as 'reframing': https://www.businessballs.com/blog/reframing-and-change/ - which basically equates to reversing the spiral towards suicide, so that it becomes the cycle of recovery.

Consider also, in other words, that we can 'reframe' any experience to be personal growth, and this is made easier when we are shown that the possibility exists.

Consider that increasingly many people are in suicidal crisis, or approaching it.

Consider that many of these people approaching or in suicidal crisis have never been shown how it typically happens and what to expect during the experience.

Consider that many people approaching or in a suicidal crisis are advised and/or believe that they should only ask their doctor or national health service for help.

Consider that people in deep suicidal crisis tend not to seek help; instead they give clues to friends that they are struggling.

This means that each of us can save someone from suicide or from a descent to suicidal crisis.

Consider that most doctors and 'mainsteam' health services are not well resourced for dealing with emotional wellbeing, and most doctors and 'mainsteam' health services are not particularly good at understanding suicide and 'mental ill health'.

Consider that most 'Western world' doctors and health services are trained, oriented and pressurised (in various ways), and have been for hundreds of years, to:

  • diagnose 'illness'
  • in just part of the body or mind
  • in a theoretical way
  • based on academic education
  • typically looking just at anxiety and depression in terms only of symptoms 
  • and then to prescribe drugs
  • to treat only in isolation symptoms
  • especially using anti-depressants, painkillers, sleeping tablets, etc
  • which are often dangerous, counter-productive and part of a trajectory towards increasing dependencies and addictions, unhealthy lifestyle choices, increasing inflammation and obesity, poor diet and exercise, ignorance and hopelessness.
rather than (more 'whole person and lifestyle') healing approaches to:

  • enable understanding in a practical way
  • between the struggler and the healer
  • about how a person is feeling
  • from a perspective of lived experience
  • and 'whole person and lifestyle',
  • (i.e., mind/body/life/soul as one)
  • especially what we eat and drink and put into and onto our bodies,
  • especially sunshine, exercise, nature, herbal healing, and fun and laughter and relationships, and whatever thrills your pure-born heart,
  • especially managing technology rather than technology managing you,
  • so as to explore, discover and further enable
  • changes to lifestyle
  • that address causes of ill health,
  • especially inflammation,
  • which in many cases are simply part of life, grief and growth,
  • (including processing of past traumas),
  • so that the struggler is shown and empowered
  • to understand and take responsibility for his/her own health and recovery,
  • and how to ask for and establish appropriate support for this to happen,
  • and then perhaps to show/cascade all this to others.

I should have killed myself as a child...


So what is this about?...

In the context of all above?...

Well, it's about lots of things, but one very important thing that it's about, is the processing of grief, and specifically the grief that we process when we grow through life, to realise that from birth we have been traumatised and conditioned, and that before we are teenagers we begin to become addicted to lifestyle choices and further conditioning that are unhealthy for us; mind, body and soul.

When I say, "I should have killed myself as a child," I am processing my grief for the conditioned ignorant self - the person I once was - that has died.

I am acknowledging that my disintegrations equate to the death of who I was, and that I am still 'letting go' of the attachments that I had as that person.

I am saying I wish that I had lived more authentically and naturally from when I was born.

I am saying that I am ashamed of who I was, and ashamed of how over several decades I systematically and very effectively destroyed myself.

I now have my fearlessness, but now no platform on which to build any real help for others, because I destroyed it, and also I destroyed myself as a viable human being.

I wasted my life, living a lie, trying to be someone I was not.

I am saying that I have learned the huge lesson (for me) that my 'ego' was extremely unhelpful, and all but killed me.

I am saying that my understanding of what is happening in the world, combined with the damage I have done to myself, is so serious to me personally that I have lost all hope that even love can enable me to recover what I have lost of myself and what or who I might now become, in time to enjoy the remaining years of my life.

I am saying that you are golden and younger and much less damaged than me, so that you can find whatever you want of yourself that might have been conditioned otherwise, and that you are already part of the beautiful new human planet emerging from the evil of the past few thousand years of human existence, of which I've mostly been part of the problem not the solution.

I am saying that it is too late for me to want to live in hope for myself, but there is plenty of time for you to hope for and build whatever you dream to have and be.

So please...

Love yourself above all, and do it much sooner than I discovered that I deserve to.





[ Modified: Thursday, 1 July 2021, 8:15 AM ]