Blog entry by Alan Chapman

by Alan Chapman - Tuesday, 11 May 2021, 1:33 PM
Anyone in the world

I had a dream I was alive

I've been working on this for a few weeks.

It's another song that will never be properly recorded, nor be heard by anyone except by me probably, which is fine.

(The song lyrics are below this rambling set of thoughts that to me are very much related to the song lyrics.)

There are millions of better creatives than me; much younger too.

I had my chances to live as a creative, true to my soul, and wasted it.

Humanity and evolution are now rightly in the hands of people a generation or two or three younger than me.

Part of my rebirth is letting go of my ideas that I might have something useful/interesting/helpful to say or share.

Ego is a very unhelpful aspect of myself.

I am pleased it is dying and will become nothing.

I'm an age (nearly 64) that many do not reach, and anything I might teach is irrelevant nowadays.

I wonder if anyone is able to teach anything, really.

People learn when and how they choose. 

So I was never able to teach anything to anyone, really.

My self-image as an 'educationalist' or someone who could 'teach' others becomes more ridiculous, to me, every day.

I much prefer the self-image now that I am a nothing and a failure.

I don't plan to have a funeral because a while ago I registered to be a cadaver.

I ask my family please do not have any sort of funeral for me.

In my case, my funeral would be a terrible nuisance.

It's best just to forget me and move on, and preferably say goodbye long before I die.

I would prefer that people say goodbye to me as soon as possible.

Because then we can all relax.

I don't like the thought that anyone might be concerned about my dying.

That was a bit of a diversion.

And I edited it because wrongly initially I made a general comment about death and funerals.

These are people's personal choices.

I can only talk for myself.

I'm thrilled now to be a nothing

I am nothing, no-one, and thrilled to have discovered this, even so late in my wasted life.

What a waste. 

I do not blame myself, or anyone.

It's simply that I was never shown the possibility that being a nothing is a better way (for me) to be. 

I was encouraged and educated to be a person of responsibility and ambition, and unfortunately for me, I carried this as a belief throughout my life. It nearly killed me. 

I like now very much being able to proclaim that by conventional standards my life and work has been a failure.

I was born a simple soul, and that's basically what I am.

I have learned some extremely hard lessons that trying to be more than a very simple anonymous man was causing me to be deeply unhappy; to make a life for myself that would collapse at some point, as it did.

I am grateful for my collapse. 

I am now in that strange world of my past 'me' having died, and the new 'me' is trying to find a place in this world that I don't know; perhaps because I do not know the new 'me' yet.   

I do know that mostly the new 'me' doesn't want to be alive, and more definitely doesn't want to revert to the 'me' that I was before my disintegrations.  

Life is beautiful, and yet it is also horrifically uncomfortable, so that I think about suicide constantly, as I have done for nearly six years. This is fine, because like anything, we can get used to things. It's normal for me, and life would seem rather strange if I did not want to die :) 

Hopelessness and pointlessness have become normal and lovely for me.

I have a new pride in myself because I am so fearless.

Of course at nearly 64, even though I'm extremely fit and healthy, and could still train to run a hill marathon, I am realistic enough to know that people tend not to become conventionally successful doing something new and different from a place of disintegration approaching retirement age, especially when one's (my) views and outlook are so very different to almost anyone else.

What I know is not very appealing or marketable.

I am odd to the point of being unable to engage comfortably with almost anyone.

My USP is that I understand suicide and death quite well.

There's not a big audience for it :) 

Especially as my offering is basically that you have to live it to know it, to be it.

I can at most open a door or plant a seed, or listen for a while.

Beyond this, it's up to you.

Now that I'm grown sufficiently to understand and accept my own insignificance, very pleasingly this realisation comes with the diminishing of my past outrageous ego - soon hopefully towards complete anonymity and disappearance - my past ego that distorted my sense of self, and therefore all else that I engaged with and influenced in the 60-ish years of my life, beyond early childhood.

Nearly 64 is an interesting age to discover that I have been living a life that was not me.

I am therefore now struggling to understand who I am, and what if any purpose remains for me, in whatever remains of my life, amidst the madness of a human world that is almost unbearably uncomfortable for me. 

I'm not alone in this situation, but it seems to be a very small club.

I had a dream I was alive

I had a dream I was alive,

Until I slept, a little while,

I run these hills, I run them still,

I always will, I live or die,

I had a dream I was alive.

To the corner of the field,

Is where we go to heal.

To the corner of the field,

There we know for real.

In the open angels land,

They take you by the hand.

Come the feathers where we stand,

Being solo from the band.

What do I mean? 

What do we mean?

I had a dream I was alive,

Until I slept, a little while,

I run these hills, I run them still,

I always will, I live or die,

I had a dream I was alive.

To know and love death, is why I can still love life

To me death is beautiful.

I'm lucky to have wanted to die for long enough so that death appeals hugely to me.

It's complicated and few understand. Or maybe everyone does and I am the last to know. 

Anyway, to me we must go to the corner of the field, where the angels do not tread, so that we begin to understand that we are the angels.

And when we've spent enough time in the corner of the field, life becomes easier, we become angels, and everything is less exciting.

I have seen the devil and I can assure you he is inside our heads and he's a fool.

He controls how we live because we are afraid of the nonsense we tell ourselves about death, because of the madness of the world we have created. 

My discovery is still quite new to me. I'm still mostly in the corner of the field.

I am perhaps stuck here for many more years.

So I'm working on making it as beautiful as I can.

Not surprisingly, this is mostly work I do alone, inside my head.

I do not recommend or advocate it to anyone else.

But if anyone reading this is in the corner of the field, or in the fire before, I can perhaps offer some hope that this is a way to grow.

Growth towards what, I do not know, which I suppose is part of the excitement.


[ Modified: Tuesday, 11 May 2021, 4:41 PM ]