Blog entry by Alan Chapman
chaotic rebirth insights
I'm am grateful beyond words for the traumas of my life.
I'm also hugely grateful that I have survived, because many people do not.
And so this is a celebration of survival through chaotic disintegrations, and my attempts to explain the sort of peace and abundance that can follow.
Freedom is very interesting, and is not what it might seem.
Abundance too; is not what it might seem.
Most of what has:
- defined me,
- been my life and work,
- been my purposes and meanings,
- and hopes and dreams,
- for the past 30-50 years,
- no longer within my reach,
- largely gone completely,
- now pieces of dismantled wreckage,
- or lost somewhere in a few boxes and bags.
I'm lucky. I'm still alive.
I have a roof over my head that I own, as much as we own anything, because ownership of anything depends on our being able to maintain its costs.
Ownership is a fundamentally flawed concept. A mirage.
The things we own imprison us.
The more we own, the more freedom we lose.
We leave life basically as we begin it.
Obviously, with nothing, except the spinning energies - countless billions of atomic particles that are almost entirely made of nothing - that combine inexplicably to create this illusion of a living thinking creature.
What is a thought?
Think about that :)
I take each day as it comes.
We only have the moment.
Each beautiful moment.
I can do the things that seem now most important for my continuing to live well and in my interpretation of abundance.
Abundance for me is free cauliflower leaves.
Countryside and wildlife.
Sounds and smells.
Tastes and everything sensory.
Fresh air and exercise.
Vegetables and fruit from a market stall.
Stuff that people throw away.
Feeling no need to be anywhere except 'mindful' and peaceful in my own head.
Freedom (mostly) from beating myself up.
Freedom from any fear of my dying, or the dying of others close to me.
Freedom from responsibility for other people's choices or actions.
Freedom to be who I am and who I want to be.
Freedom from harmful addictions (fat, salt, sugar, alcohol, tobacco, pharmaceuticals, etc).
Freedom from worry about what will happen beyond this moment.
Freedom from any regrets about the past.
Abundant challenging work that I have given myself to do in my house and garden.
The obvious wonderful goodness of nearly everyone I meet and know.
My acceptance and right to engage (or not to engage) on my own terms with people who seem to me not full of wonderful goodness.
And much else. The less we have the more we live in abundance.
chaos came tumultuously
Chaos came tumultuously to me, as it does commonly for many.
Fortunately or unfortunately I've been strong enough to discover my own living proof of the 'Nietzschean' maxim "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger".
Be careful what you wish for, which in my case was unrelenting self-destruction.
Most stories are never told, especially because people in tumultuously accumulating crises are too busy surviving to make notes :)
A song and its video is the best that I have to show for the past six years of my life.
At times I can convince myself it's the only meaningful work I've ever produced.
Nothing matters; is a view of everything.
Things matter when we imagine ourselves to be significant.
And so 'letting go' of the sense of myself - especially ego - is to me important.
I am the tiniest speck.
Nothing; is the aim.
The smaller I am, then the more beautiful and magical everything is.
To me (because it's different for each of us) a big part of abundance is that I continue my growth towards complete anonymity and disappearance, when time comes, to be the energy of nothing and everything, which seems to be all there really is, anyway.
depending on one's definition - because words and science cannot explain anything -
I'm very lucky.
Sixty million humans die every year.
I'm still alive and a fragment of me is in the song and video.
It's a thank you to all who've helped me survive.