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courtroom gaffes

funny courtroom quotes, questions and witness statements

The funny quotes here are allegedly real true funny extracts from courtrooms. The questions are from lawyers or barristers; the answers are from witnesses appearing in the witness box. Some of the questions are so daft they didn't require answers. These funny quotes are amusing examples of language barriers and verbal confusions, and also examples of the communications misunderstandings which can occur between two people from different worlds, approaching a subject from different perspectives. The quotes are funny in themselves, but also illustrate the importance of good communicating, listening and understanding skills. The point is: when we want information, we must ask questions which convey meaning that is appropriate for the listener, not just the speaker. If you know the source of these funny legal questions and witness statements, or can send more amusing quotes from courtrooms please contact us.

allegedly real courtroom questions and witness statements

Q: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."

A: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

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Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

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Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk, in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

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(With thanks to P Pepper and S Thurlow)



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